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An important question to ask ourselves … Is my child capable of behaving better?
Dr. Ross Greene, author of the Explosive Child, argues "kids do well if they can…[they] do not choose to exhibit concerning behaviors any more than a child would choose to have a reading disability.” (Greene, 1998, p.11). Instead of jumping in to fix behaviors, let’s become better parent detectives by diving into factors that affect behavior and self-regulation.
Basic needs such as sleep, nutrition, and overall health directly affect regulation and need to be taken into account when assessing behavior. Just like adults, children have a difficult time managing challenges and making good choices when basic needs have not been met.
Everyone’s personality/temperament is different. While some children might jump right into a new situation, others need time to watch and observe. When looking at your child's behavior, consider the similarities and differences between yourself and others.
It is easy to understand why you may be reluctant to do something due to a painful memory, but it is more difficult to recognize negative experiences that may be affecting your child’s behavior. No matter how irrational the feelings around the memory may be, your child will always be better at handling the situation when given choices, support, and a degree of control.
Motivation matters, for us and our children. The more motivating the task is, the easier it is to get children to engage. There are different forms of motivation. The motivation that is internally driven (intrinsically based), such as interest, beliefs, and values, tends to last longer than extrinsically based motivation, such as rewards and sticker charts.
Individual skills and developmental level must always be taken into consideration when assessing our child’s behavior. As parents, we are asking for heartache if our preset expectation surpasses our child’s developmental level or skill. We create undue stress when we buy into the idea that our children should be able to do certain tasks based on others' expectations (i.e, grandparents, friends, society, etc.). Our expectations for children should be balanced between a child’s abilities, providing the “just right” challenge to support incremental growth. Let’s stop comparing and move to connecting with our children.
Emotions are a significant factor that affects regulation and behavior at any age. Managing emotions is hard for both adults and children! By frequently discussing and exploring our feelings and emotions in everyday situations, we begin to demystify these emotions. Children need to know that there are no “bad” feelings and emotions. Also, they need to feel safe when communicating their feelings with at least one adult in their life.
Current
References:
Greene, R. (1998). The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, "chronically Inflexible" Children. New York: HarperCollins Publishers.
Dvir, Y., Ford, J., Hill M., & Frazier, J. (2014). Childhood maltreatment, emotional dysregulation, and psychiatric comorbidities. Harvard review of psychiatry, 22(3), 149.
Morawska, A. Dittman, C. & Rusby J. (2019) Promoting self-regulation in young children: The role of parenting interventions. Clinical child and family psychology review, 22(1), 43-51.
Murray, D., Rosanbalm, K., and Christopoulos, C. (2016). Self-regulation and toxic stress: Seven key principles of self regulation in context. OPRE Report#2016-39. Washington DC: Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, US. Department of Health and Human Services.
Resources:
Website:
Emotions & Behavior (for Parents) - Nemours KidsHealth
Articles:
Childhood Maltreatment, Emotional Dysregulation, and Psychiatric Comorbidities - PMC
Seven Key Principles of Self-Regulation and Self Regulation in Context
Why Do Kids Have Tantrums and Meltdowns? - Child Mind Institute
18 factors that influence children's behavior - Raising-independent-kids
Books: