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Virginia Satir, a pioneering family therapist says, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.” The point is, daily emphasis of parenting needs to be placed on connecting. To maintain a healthy relationship with our kids, we need …
5 positive interactions for every one negative one.
The Magic 5:1 ratio comes from John Gottman’s research with adults but is easily applied to the relationship with our children (Benson, 2021).
How many times have you corrected and/or disciplined your child only to make matters worse?
Effective parenting is about teaching, not controlling (Siegel & Bryson, 2016). When we interact with our children in a connected and supportive manner we have the potential to help children make better and more responsible choices.
Effective parenting helps children develop:
- Self-regulation: Maintaining an organized state during stressful events.
- Insight: Understanding of big feelings and behaviors in difficult situations.
- Empathy: Reflect on how their actions affect others.
- Awareness: Analyzing and reflecting on what can be done differently in the future and what can be done now to repair the situation.
(Stuart Shanker, 2016; Siegel & Bryson, 2016)
References:
Artuch-Garde, R., González-Torres, M. D. C., de la Fuente, J., Vera, M. M., Fernández-Cabezas, M., and López-García, M. (2017). Relationship between resilience and self-regulation: a study of Spanish youth at risk of social exclusion. Front. Psychol. 8:612. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00612
Benson, K. (2021). The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
Shanker, S., & Barker, T. (2016). Self-reg: how to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life. New York: Penguin Press.
Siegel D. & Bryson, T. (2016). No Drama Discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam.
Porges, S. (2011). The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe.
Resources:
Website:
Videos:
Virginia Satir on Raising Children Who Value Themselves
Article:
How to Bond with Your Child by Sharing Fondness and Admiration
Parent Child Relationship, Why its Important
Transformational change - Based on the model of Virginia Satir
Emotional Intelligence Creates Loving and Supportive Parenting
Turn Toward Your Child to Nurture Intimacy
Books:
Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids
No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine