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Remember discipline when we were younger? … Well, a lot has changed! There have been explosions of knowledge in every field and parenting is no exception.
In the 1950’s, child development ideas were dominated by behaviorists’ advice to parents to not ‘spoil’ infants by picking them up or comforting them too much when they cried.
By the 1960s science had begun to return to seeing the positive effects of early nurturing.
In the 1970s, Bryon Egeland and Alan Sroufe started a study in a local public health clinic in Minneapolis on first-time pregnant women and their children.
2005, 30 years later, Egeland and Sroufe summarize the long lasting effects of early parent and child relationship in The Development of The Person. “Children with secure attachment early were more socially competent throughout their lives: better able to engage with preschool peers, better able to form close friendships in middle childhood, better able to negotiate the complex dynamics of adolescent social networks.” (Tough, 2012).
Today, science continues to find support for raising connected and less stressed children.
Connection is key to a child’s success in life, discipline should not erode it.
When we hear the word discipline, we are possibly brought back to our own childhood experiences, where discipline was used as punishment for “bad” behavior. Punishment assumed that we purposely engaged in negative behavior and had the skills to act differently.
We now know that children do not “choose” to misbehave, their behavior is a result of multiple components outside their control (communication skills, numerous factors, unmet sensory needs, caregiver’s behavior).
Quite frequently, discipline is confused with punishment. Punishment increases feelings of humiliation, guilt, and shame, resulting in increased stress and anxiety. This puts us on the fast track for making poor decisions; It’s hard to make good choices when stressed.
Brene Brown, in Atlas of the Heart, references Linda Hartling’s work on humiliation…“ … humiliation can trigger a series of reactions, including social pain, decreased self-awareness, increased self-defeating behaviors, and decreased self-regulation, that ultimately leads to violence. … humiliation is not only the most underappreciated force in international relations, it may be the missing link in the search for root causes of political instability and violent conflict … perhaps the most toxic social dynamic of our age”
In our journey to discipline our children, remember:
Kids that feel “bad” usually make “bad” decisions.
Key points in establishing effective discipline:
- To change behavior, children need to feel safe and loved.
- Discipline should NOT cause physical pain, scare, nor include threats or humiliation.
- Discipline is about teaching, not controlling your child or their behavior.
- Setting clear and consistent boundaries can help your child succeed.
- Effective discipline helps children make more responsible choices
(Siegel et al., 2016)
Discipline is about teaching children ways to adapt their behavior to get a desired result appropriately. Choose to look at discipline as a way to teach your child right from wrong by helping them learn and reflect on their behavior. Once children are regulated and can communicate, you have the opportunity to help them develop insight on feelings and behavior, empathy, and awareness of what can be done differently in the future.
References:
Havighurst, S., Wilson, K., Harley, A., Kehoe, C., Efron, D., & Prior, M. (2013). “Turning into Kids”: Reducing young children’s behavior problems using an emotion coaching parenting program. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 44(2), 247-264.
Markham, L. (2013). Peaceful parents, happy kids. New York: Perigee Book.
Siegel D. & Bryson, T. (2016). No Drama Discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam.
Stixrud, W., & Johnson, N. (2018). The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their lives. Viking.
Tough, P. (2012) How Children Succeed, Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
Resources:
Books:
No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting (The Peaceful Parent Series)
PDFs
A Note to Our Child's Caregivers: Our Discipline Approach in a Nutshell You
CONNECT AND REDIRECT REFRIGERATOR SHEET No-‐Drama Discipline by Daniel J.
Videos:
MONTESSORI AT HOME: Positive Discipline
Articles:
Natural Consequences: Redefining Punishments for Kids | Parents